Friday, August 13, 2010


Sometimes remembering things is really tough. If people have survived a traumatic event they often chose to forget...supressing the memory way back in their mind and hoping it never comes out again. Some people can't forget things that they really do want to forget and they even go to such lengths as hypnotisism to try to block those memories out. I think about myself and the memories I have. I can remember details from when I was a child. I remember clothes I wore on certain days in sixth grade. I remember a song that was playing on the radio the day my first fish died. I remember people that I may have only met once in my life. I remember every single detail about my babies. I remember everything about the hospital, the NICU, the nurses, my doctors, my hospital room, everything. So much happened to me that was so traumatic and right after Grace was born I hoped and prayed that my brain wouldn't just automatically block certain things out. I relived that day over and over in my mind just to make sure every detail was right. To make sure I etched every tiny thing in my memory so that nothing would ever distort or fade. I still do that to this day. Maybe not every single day but at least twice a week I remember all the details. Not intentionally but maybe subconsiously. Something will just "trigger" a minor detail and then I will trick my mind into rewinding and remembering the entire day so that nothing can ever get lost. I wonder in 10, 15, 20 years will I still have the memories I have of my babies and will they be the same? Maybe I will remember some but not all of the details. Today I am sharing with you my memory of two years ago.

Two years ago today is the day Tony and I went to my "big" ultrasound to find out the sexes of the triplets. Today is the day our lives would be forever changed and we were forced to learn how strong our faith was. Today was the day we found out about Grace's prolapse and the day I would be admitted on complete hospital bedrest. This was also the day we were told we would lose one of our daughters.

I won't go into all the details as I have posted all about it before. I will tell you that today will never be an easy day. I will always remember August 13th as both such a happy day, to know we were having all girls, to also a sad day, to find out about Grace's prolapse and to know we would probably lose her. The next two weeks will probably be a little sensitive for me. I will be counting up day by day by day until August 27th, Grace's angel day. I will remember the daily ultrasounds and seeing Grace survive another day. I will remember being hooked up to fetal monitors three times a day and every single time holding my breath that we heard Grace's heart beat. We always did. I will remember asking the Lord every single day to please, please save my baby and let her come into this world like she was supposed to. I will remember every single detail because I am her mommy and that is what I am supposed to do.

With the risk of sounding insensitive I hope it gets easier next year. So far it hasn't. I thought this year would be easier than the last but it's really not. August 27th will be here before we know it and I will relive these memories all over again.

To make matters worse, today, of all days, I saw triplets. The first time I have seen triplets since the girls were born. I have dreaded this day for an entire two years and I honest to goodness thought it would never happen. I thought surely I had been through enough and by the grace of God he would never let my path cross with a set of triplets. Who am I kidding? With my crappy luck and after all I have been through I shouldn't have been surprised. OF COURSE I was going to see triplets. And to top it all off could it PLEASE be on my most sensitive day so far?!?

The triplets were all girls (of course) and they looked to be about Betsy's age (of course). I mean, had they been 5 years old and all boys I don't think I would have been as bothered. But to see exactly what my life should look like right in front of me was a little tough. I didn't look very long but I noticed one was blonde and one had dark hair. Just like Betsy and Grace. When I saw them I gasped and Tony said "Is that triplets". I nodded my head and the tears were already flowing. It was one of those cries that was so hard I was near blubbering. I felt like the biggest baby in the world and if I could have used some secret magic power to be beamed away I would have used it right then. Just as soon as I started crying I knew I couldn't stop and wouldn't be able to for a while. Tony just said, "Please don't be sad". But how could I not. There were my babies right in front of me. Exactly how they should be and in this exact moment with Tony and I.

So why did our paths cross? Tony and I were just about to turn around and my body was actually getting ready to head the opposite direction but Tony wanted to go into a store so we walked a few more feet right into them. What the heck? Some people like to say people enter your lives for a reason and it's a miracle the people who you come across because you never know what put them there in the first place. So what gives? Is this to make me stronger? I doubt it or else I wouldn't have instantly became so weak. Was this to make me realize how blessed I am to have what I have? No, because I wouldn't have felt such an overwhelming sense of being so alone. Maybe this was to let me see that my life will go on. Even though I became so overcome with emotion I carried on. I naturally thought of all three of my girls sitting there but it made me want Betsy in my arms more than I ever had before. I survived. I survived losing two of my babies. I survived kissing them and seeing them for the very last time. Ever. I survived seeing my first set of triplets and going the rest of the day with a heavy heart. It's when I feel at my weakest that something will trigger my memory of my girls and I remember. I remember that I can get through anything.

"There are places I’ll remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends, I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life, I’ve loved them all."
-The Beatles


Ashley and Jason Faucett said...

I keep trying to thing of something amazing to say but I can't at least not amazing, I love you all and send my hugs! Reading this that's all I wanted to do is give you a big hug and cry with you! You have come a long way and you have survived.

Nicki said...

I'm sorry you had such a difficult day. I have been very aware that your angel days and Betsy's birthday are coming up and I just want you to know that even though we don't talk a lot in person I am aware of your circumstances. I get a lot of joy from Betsy, too! She is a blessing to all around her.