Friday, August 27, 2010


Two years ago today my world was turned upside down. This was the day that our angel Grace was born. Today I will give Betsy a million extra kisses because I'm not able to kiss Grace on her special day. Our hearts ache all over again today as we relive the moments of Grace's birth. Please take a moment to remember my family, along with Grace as she would have been two years old today.

Call Heaven there's an Angel
That's coming home today.
Our hearts are sad and broken
Because she couldn't stay.
Fluff up the clouds and lay her
Gently in Your care.
Place the tiny halo
Softly in her hair.
Our arms will never hold her.
Our lips will never kiss
The velvet of her cheeks.
We were not prepared for this.
In our hearts will be a tiny hole
Where always you will be.
Because we wanted you so much
Our hearts will always grieve.
How sad we had to lose you
We hope that this was best.
Sleep softly precious Angel
In God's eternal rest

~ Author Unknown ~

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Taking Pictures

I really hope that when Betsy gets older she asks, "Why don't you have any pictures of me?" Well-good ones that is.

I'm not sure if she is doing this to make mommy mad (surely not, right!?) or if she is just testing the waters and being a pistol. I CANNOT get this girl to take a picture for anything! Now action shots are perfect--she just goes about her business and never has to stop and look at me. And if she is in the picture with someone else then she *ahem* sometimes does okay. But if we want her to pose by herself, forget it. She has recently discovered how much mommy LOVES taking pictures and she thinks it is great to get me frustrated and not look at the camera. Nice, huh?


This is Betsy on 4th of July. She was rocking so cute in her chair. Until mommy said, "Look at mommy!!" (with the camera)

Playing in her ballpit. She kept putting her headband on. Until I came with the camera...

This was our latest photo session:

And if you look closely at her cheeks you can tell she is certainly smiling...

Finally she ran off and put her head down on the floor. I thought this was a nice touch.

Even at church on Sunday her Sunday school teacher told me every time she tried to take Betsy's picture she turned her head around. Uh-Huh.
I have officially turned into my mother because at the closing of this day I told Betsy, "I hope your daughter is JUST like you!"

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Wordless Wednesday

Tuesday, August 24, 2010


Today we took Betsy back to Integris Baptist Medical Center NICU to visit some of her nurses. We have been back there only a few times since Betsy was discharged and it's always fun to see the nurses, doctors, respiratory therapists, and receptionists. Today when we went we were lucky there were quite a few nurses on duty so we got to see alot of familiar faces. Our main reason for going was to see Betsy's primary nurse, Christy. This nurse was VERY special to us and really spoiled Betsy. We could tell she legitimately loved Betsy. Sometimes during the day when I knew Christy was on duty I totally felt comfortable missing a touch time to catch up on things at home because I knew Christy would hold Betsy and cuddle her for me. Anyway, she means alot to us and she's such a special nurse we like to keep in contact with her.
We also got to see another special nurse, Andrea. Andrea was our favorite nurse that Olivia always had. She is so tenderhearted and so sweet and gentle. She was so in love with Olivia and one day even called me at home to tell me she made Olivia into a "bow-head" and had put a tiny bow on her head. When she talked to Olivia she almost whispered and she would so tenderly touch her sensitive skin. We loved her because she was the one person who never told us how sick Olivia was. All she told us was how well she did that day and how beautiful Olivia was.

I'll never forget these special nurses.

So we decided we were going to start a tradition of taking goodies to the NICU on Betsy's birthday week to see everyone and let them help celebrate our birthday girl's big day. Today we took cupcakes up there. I made strawberry cupcakes with chocolate chips in them and then frosted with chocolate and strawberry frosting. They looked so yummy! Betsy even helped me mix the batter.

When we got to the NICU they were excited to see us and really couldn't believe how much Betsy had grown. Oh and how much hair she finally has gotten! I'm sure it's absolutely amazing for them to see this miracle walking their floors because they know, better than even us, how sick she was and how much she had to fight to survive. They were thrilled to find out she was healthy and could look at her and tell just how active she was. Betsy of course showed off a little by jumping up and down, her favorite thing to do when excited.

When we went to leave Christy wanted Betsy to give her a hug. At first Betsy resisted a little but then Christy just picked her up. As soon as she did that Betsy looked at her and just started kissing her like crazy. No kidding. Tony and I laughed but also just couldn't believe it. Betsy loves to give kisses but not like THAT...not even to her family! It was kiss after kiss after kiss after kiss. Tony and I wondered if she had a sense that this was such a special caretaker for her. That this was her special nurse that loved her and cared for her and basically "grew her". I know Betsy didn't remember who she was but I really believe that she sensed a connection with her once again. It was really special and I was so glad to see that. It really made my heart happy and again reaffirmed that this is such a special nurse to our family.

Here is a picture of Betsy with the cupcakes as we were getting ready to leave to go to the NICU.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Asking God

I have been thinking alot lately about my Christian life and if I was really truly happy with my spiritual life. The answer was no. I remember my best friend in high school, Katie, who passed away a few years ago, caught me totally off guard one day after school. She was my "religious" friend. I loved her because she had such a love for the Lord and I admired that. She asked me point blank, "Laci, if you were to die today would you KNOW for sure you would be going to Heaven?" I had to answer her honestly. No. I didn't think I would. I mean, I went to church and I believed in God but I didn't appropriately live the Christian life. I guess when I was younger I just thought as long as I went to church and read the Bible then I was all good. I grew up in the church. My parents were active and therefore my brother and I became involved as well. I loved my youth group when we lived in Edmond and I was happy with where I was. Still I couldn't answer my friend that I knew for sure I would be going to Heaven.

Fast forward a few years. I often thought of that question Katie had asked me. I guess I still didn't feel as though it had any relevance to me because, after all, I did go to church and by no means was I a "bad person". After Katie passed away I felt as though WOW, now this is serious. She was my age and we practically grew up together. Now she is gone and no doubt living in Heaven. So I'm back to her question. If I was to die right now would I go to Heaven? I felt like I needed to recify this situation if I ever wanted to see her again.

Tony and I found a church family very close to our home. We instantly felt a connection and I loved this congregation. We were welcomed at least 5 times before we even slipped into our pew. We felt like this was the right church for us. We placed membership within the first month of being there and began making friends. We felt wonderful here because everyone prayed for us through our journey of infertility and symphatized with us month after month after month of trying to get pregnant. After I became pregnant they still offered amazing support and I knew this was a group of friends I could count on.

Let's jump forward. After the birth of the triplets I felt as though we lost some of our faith. I felt as though our world was spinning around so quickly and somewhat out of control that we lost touch with our spirituality. Tony and I were constantly busy and just so consumed with our own grief and our own little life that we kinda shut out the people that we really should have turned to the most. I guess at this point we kinda felt like all we had was each other that nothing else mattered. We absorbed ourselves into Betsy with every fiber of our being and the world around us just kinda fell apart around us.

We have now come to realize that we need to walk a more spiritual path if we ever plan to see Grace and Olivia again. The thought of spending all eternity WITHOUT my babies would most certainly be hell. I've been wanting to reconnect with my church family but didn't know how. By this time it's been almost two years since the birth of the girls so by then all our friends had moved on and made new friends and we had turned down invitations so many times that we just didn't even get asked anymore. This had to change. This is going to be our forever church family and we need to pave the right path for Betsy.

So Sunday during closing song Tony and I went forward and wrote a letter to the church. It basically said the same thing I just posted. We asked for guidance and support as we try to become better Christians and to become better partners to each other but also to raise Betsy to follow the Word of God and to be molded into a Christian. There is no better way to show her how to be a good Christian unless we live it ourselves. We know we love God and we know we enjoy church but actually living it is something we both are willing to commit to do.

We had a few good friends come up to us and offer their support and these are the people I will most certainly be proud to call my Christian friends. I am super excited to reconnect with my church family. I think this will help me grow as a mother and become a better person. I think this will help me heal. I ask God for his guidance in helping my family become the kind of Christians we need to be. When I get to Heaven I want to see my best friend Katie hand me over my angel babies so I can rock them for all eternity.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Wordless Wednesday

Friday, August 13, 2010


Sometimes remembering things is really tough. If people have survived a traumatic event they often chose to forget...supressing the memory way back in their mind and hoping it never comes out again. Some people can't forget things that they really do want to forget and they even go to such lengths as hypnotisism to try to block those memories out. I think about myself and the memories I have. I can remember details from when I was a child. I remember clothes I wore on certain days in sixth grade. I remember a song that was playing on the radio the day my first fish died. I remember people that I may have only met once in my life. I remember every single detail about my babies. I remember everything about the hospital, the NICU, the nurses, my doctors, my hospital room, everything. So much happened to me that was so traumatic and right after Grace was born I hoped and prayed that my brain wouldn't just automatically block certain things out. I relived that day over and over in my mind just to make sure every detail was right. To make sure I etched every tiny thing in my memory so that nothing would ever distort or fade. I still do that to this day. Maybe not every single day but at least twice a week I remember all the details. Not intentionally but maybe subconsiously. Something will just "trigger" a minor detail and then I will trick my mind into rewinding and remembering the entire day so that nothing can ever get lost. I wonder in 10, 15, 20 years will I still have the memories I have of my babies and will they be the same? Maybe I will remember some but not all of the details. Today I am sharing with you my memory of two years ago.

Two years ago today is the day Tony and I went to my "big" ultrasound to find out the sexes of the triplets. Today is the day our lives would be forever changed and we were forced to learn how strong our faith was. Today was the day we found out about Grace's prolapse and the day I would be admitted on complete hospital bedrest. This was also the day we were told we would lose one of our daughters.

I won't go into all the details as I have posted all about it before. I will tell you that today will never be an easy day. I will always remember August 13th as both such a happy day, to know we were having all girls, to also a sad day, to find out about Grace's prolapse and to know we would probably lose her. The next two weeks will probably be a little sensitive for me. I will be counting up day by day by day until August 27th, Grace's angel day. I will remember the daily ultrasounds and seeing Grace survive another day. I will remember being hooked up to fetal monitors three times a day and every single time holding my breath that we heard Grace's heart beat. We always did. I will remember asking the Lord every single day to please, please save my baby and let her come into this world like she was supposed to. I will remember every single detail because I am her mommy and that is what I am supposed to do.

With the risk of sounding insensitive I hope it gets easier next year. So far it hasn't. I thought this year would be easier than the last but it's really not. August 27th will be here before we know it and I will relive these memories all over again.

To make matters worse, today, of all days, I saw triplets. The first time I have seen triplets since the girls were born. I have dreaded this day for an entire two years and I honest to goodness thought it would never happen. I thought surely I had been through enough and by the grace of God he would never let my path cross with a set of triplets. Who am I kidding? With my crappy luck and after all I have been through I shouldn't have been surprised. OF COURSE I was going to see triplets. And to top it all off could it PLEASE be on my most sensitive day so far?!?

The triplets were all girls (of course) and they looked to be about Betsy's age (of course). I mean, had they been 5 years old and all boys I don't think I would have been as bothered. But to see exactly what my life should look like right in front of me was a little tough. I didn't look very long but I noticed one was blonde and one had dark hair. Just like Betsy and Grace. When I saw them I gasped and Tony said "Is that triplets". I nodded my head and the tears were already flowing. It was one of those cries that was so hard I was near blubbering. I felt like the biggest baby in the world and if I could have used some secret magic power to be beamed away I would have used it right then. Just as soon as I started crying I knew I couldn't stop and wouldn't be able to for a while. Tony just said, "Please don't be sad". But how could I not. There were my babies right in front of me. Exactly how they should be and in this exact moment with Tony and I.

So why did our paths cross? Tony and I were just about to turn around and my body was actually getting ready to head the opposite direction but Tony wanted to go into a store so we walked a few more feet right into them. What the heck? Some people like to say people enter your lives for a reason and it's a miracle the people who you come across because you never know what put them there in the first place. So what gives? Is this to make me stronger? I doubt it or else I wouldn't have instantly became so weak. Was this to make me realize how blessed I am to have what I have? No, because I wouldn't have felt such an overwhelming sense of being so alone. Maybe this was to let me see that my life will go on. Even though I became so overcome with emotion I carried on. I naturally thought of all three of my girls sitting there but it made me want Betsy in my arms more than I ever had before. I survived. I survived losing two of my babies. I survived kissing them and seeing them for the very last time. Ever. I survived seeing my first set of triplets and going the rest of the day with a heavy heart. It's when I feel at my weakest that something will trigger my memory of my girls and I remember. I remember that I can get through anything.

"There are places I’ll remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends, I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life, I’ve loved them all."
-The Beatles

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Wordless Wednesday

Monday, August 9, 2010


So I wouldn't say I am a regretful person. There isn't much in my life, previous to having the girls, that I can honestly say I regret. I dated losers, made bad decisions and really took some crazy paths along my life but not one thing do I regret. When it comes to my babies, and the events that surrounded their births almost two years ago, I am daily plagued by certain regrets that I have. Some of these regrets do have a valid explanation of why or why not they could have been done but mostly there is no explanation for them and that is what haunts me the most. Here are a list of my regrets.

1. About 19-20 weeks into my pregnancy I was at the grocery store with Tony and I felt some sort of something "fall" out of me. I immediately called the emergency line and they got me in contact with my doctor. He said it was just pressure because I was carrying three babies and to go home and prop my feet up and take it easy the rest of the weekend. I did do that; however, I regret not demanding to be seen. I regret not explaining to him that it didn't feel like pressure at all, but more like something literally just fell out of me. He was the doctor, though. He for sure knew more than me. Being a fertility specialist he has dealt with his share of higher order multiples and I was just a rookie. So I went home and didn't think any more about it, even though I constantly felt as though this feeling wasn't quite right. I wholeheartedly feel as though I had just felt Grace's cord prolapse and had I went to the doctor that very second and been examined, I could have been put on bedrest sooner. Would this have saved Grace's life? Probably not. But I would have felt better knowing I did something sooner than later.

2. The day Grace was born it scared me to see her. I felt awkward holding my baby who had literally JUST died. She was still warm. I wanted to give her a kiss and I didn't. I can't explain the feeling I had. I loved her so much and I was so distraught but I regret terribly that I didn't kiss her sweet face. I regret that I honestly CANNOT remember if I told her I loved her. Everything at this moment happened so very fast and the room was so busy. There were a million things going on in my mind and it was strange for me to hold and look at this baby and say hello and goodbye at the same time. My heart was so heavy but my mind couldn't believe it. Any minute I was waiting for her to start wiggling. I felt awkward when my family came in. Everyone was seeing me hold my dead baby and I felt strange. I know that sounds shitty and that I should have been focused on Grace and not anyone else in the room. But it was a total new experience for me and yes, I loved and instantly missed Grace. The feeling of actually holding a baby who wasn't alive was scary for me. I regret having those feelings of my sweet angel who couldn't help she was in this situation. I love you Grace.

3. I regret the fact that I didn't keep Grace with me and Tony all night long. I didn't know I could. No one told me. But this was MY baby...I should have just known that I didn't have to give her up at the end of the night. Our nurse was my favorite nurse and she was very sweet. She asked if we had a special outfit to put her in. Another we didn't. My nurse, Diana, picked out a really cute outfit complete with hat and booties to put Grace in. They were the tiniest of clothes that had been made by volunteers for situations like this. I was glad they had taken the time and made these little outfits out of pure love. It has to be hard as you are sewing an outfit to know that a tiny deceased baby would be occupying those clothes. She was so cute and I am greatful for those volunteers who made those. Grace was born at almost 11pm and after our close family left Tony and I kept her privately until almost 5 in the morning. Our nurse so kindly told us where she would be kept and that when we were ready for her to come get her to please let her know. She suggested we let her take her so we could get a good night's sleep. It was bittersweet. I slept very well that night, awkwardly enough. I didn't have to worry about laying flat on my back as much and I didn't feel leaking fluid every time I moved. It was a very strange feeling. I probably still would have slept just as well with Grace in my arms. I could have layed her right beside me and snuggled her all night. I looked at her the entire time. I memorized every tiny detail about her. When the nurse came to get her she asked if I had taken her dress off and looked at her entire body. I don't know why but I was scared to do that. I asked if she was bruised and she said no. We took her dress off and I got to see her tiny body with no blankets or clothes. I am so thankful we did that so I could see my baby in her entirety. Then she left the room with her and I slept. I would see her the next morning when the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photographer came but she wouldn't look the same. She didn't look like the Grace that left the night before and that is why I regret not keeping her all night.

4. I didn't get a lock of Grace's hair. Our family's favorite memory of Grace was how much hair that girl had. We all still laugh about it because Betsy has hardly any hair and we joke that by now Grace would be in long braids. So why didn't I think to clip a lock of her hair. I know things were new to us. After all, I didn't know what all to do. I didn't know anything. After Olivia died her nurse gave us a lock of her hair and immediately my heart dropped. I don't have Grace's hair. How horrible. I do have things of Grace's like her outfit, blanket, footprints, etc. But no hair. It's like the ONE thing that came from her own body. The ONE thing I could have taken that would have also been a part of me and Tony was her hair. How unfortunate that at the time we didn't think about that. I'm so sad that I didn't think of every single way to preserve her memory.

So as you can tell, my regrets focus around Grace. I think it was because the situation was so traumatic and the entire evening happened so fast that so much just didn't happen that I wish would have. We knew that Grace had a chance of not surviving so I wonder why we didn't prepare better. We knew that at any second she could be born, so why not have clothes waiting on her? I think it may be that we knew she could come at any minute but we all just wished so much that she would be alive and go to the NICU that we didn't prepare as much as we should for her passing.

I don't have regrets with Olivia. I know that we did everything in our power for her and so did the NICU team. I know that we gave her constant love and overwhelming support every single day, all the days of her life. We were by her side every day singing to her, touching her, telling her how proud of her we were, filling her bed with blankets and baby dolls. I know without a doubt we did all we could for Olivia and I felt at total peace with all that surrounded her death.

I want you all to know that I have healed from these regrets. I still think about them often and the woulda, shoulda, coulda, but all in all I know that Grace was and still is loved with all my heart. Tony and I have a constant daily reminder of her and Olivia and that is through Betsy. I took a GriefShare class through my church last year and that helped me heal tremendously. We focused quite a bit on regrets and the one thing I can say almost instantly healed me was the fact that even though you can regret something and wish something would have taken a different course, it wouldn't have mattered in the end. Grace would still have passed away, no matter what course of actions were taken along the way. I am at peace with that. It took quite a while for me to comprehend and for me to accept but I know now that the Lord has paved a new path for me and my family. One that only involves me, Tony and Betsy. This is our Earthly family. As much as we miss Grace and Olivia we have to understand that where they are now is far better than what we could have provided them here on Earth. And for that I have no regrets.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Summer Lovin'

Wow! This summer has been so crazy busy here at the Perez household. I can't believe I let so much time go between blogging. Here is an update as to what has been going on.

Betsy is fabulous. I'm sure every parent will tell you that it's such a delight and such an amazing thing to watch their child grow up, but for us it's totally a different sense of emotions. I am in constant awe of her. I look at her now and it seems so hard to imagine her being a little 1 lb 9 oz baby. It's hard to remember her so teeny tiny, laying on my chest and literally my hands covering her entire body. It's hard to remember her laying in her "incubator" for sooo many months of her life when now she just seems so big. Words cannot express the miracle I have and the challenges she endured to become such a beautiful little blessing. As a matter of fact, she is doing so well that our Sooner Start worker had to say "good-bye" to Betsy. This is actually a WONDERFUL thing, when Sooner Start no longer has to work with your child it means they don't NEED them anymore! Betsy will continue to see the speech pathologist since that is the ONLY issue she still has, is being slightly speech delayed. Amazing isn't it?!? The ONLY issue this baby has is her speech. When she was born we were so prepared to deal with her handicaps. We were told she could be blind, most certainly deaf, have cerebal palsy, or even brain damage. Not this fighter. She is alive and so very well and such a true miracle. She is now 23 months old...crazy!! She weighs 22.13 pounds and is 34 inches long. She is almost in the 10th percentile for weight but in the 90th percentile for height. She now knows 26 signs.

Tony, Betsy and I were asked to speak at another March of Dimes event. This one was for Farmer's Insurance, the national sponsor for March of Dimes. They have a "Be A Hero for a Baby" Day and they challenge their employees to raise over $2 million! We were interviewed about our story and why we are so committed to the March of Dimes. Our interview was broadcast NATIONWIDE throughout different Farmer's Insurances. We also got to meet and have our picture taken with Gerald McCoy. And let me see if I can remember who that is...#3 overall NFL draft pick?? Used to play for the OU Sooners?? Heck, I don't know. All I know is that he is a really big deal and will be playing in the NFL. Tony was star-struck but I was like.."and you are??" It was a great time and the March of Dimes people know how to make us feel so awesome. What a great bunch of people.

Tony and I have really been enjoying our summer. It's been ridiculously HOT here in Oklahoma with temperatures reaching 104 degrees with a heat index of about 114. Seriously, we haven't been outside AT ALL. It's been so crazy hot. We have been taking Betsy to the mall to play in their play area and last week we took her to Dynamo Gymnastics to play at their play center for the first time. She had an amazing time and that is something we will look forward to again.

Hope my next post comes sooner than later...sorry about that blog readers!