Monday, May 30, 2011


I have always been a person who holds grudges. I know it's really bad and I try to let things roll off my shoulders but it's tough for me. I am a pretty sensitive person and sometimes, well most of the time, takes everything personally. I always have believed if someone burns you once they will burn you again. I believe that the best predictor for future behavior is past behavior and if you are hateful and disrepectful to me once, you will always be that way. Maybe that isn't entirely true all the time but it's a philosophy I live by. Well I'm thinking it's time to let go of a grudge I have been holding for almost two years.

I won't go into all the details of it. I'm sure most of my close friends and family have heard the story and I'm not going to rehash all the details of it here as I honestly don't feel this person is worth dwelling over too long. In a nutshell my best friend was married almost two years ago...the same weekend as the 1-year anniversary of Olivia's death. Now for all my babylost friends (or those of you who at least have a heart) know that the 1-year anniversary is the WORST! Everything during the past few months have been leading up to this moment. The 1-year anniversary of the moment by baby girl took her last breath.

I had talked to my best friend about how I was feeling and OF COURSE she understood. She knew that even though I was so incredibly happy for her and excited for this next chapter of her life, my heart would still be hurting. The first thing on my mind would be my sweet angel Olivia and how much I missed her and longed for her on this, her anniverary. I was honored and thrilled to stand next to my best friend on her wedding day as her maid of honor. She even made my bouquet special by adding tiny sprigs of baby's breath in memory of Olivia. She understood my heart was heavy.

One of her other friends, who happened to be a bridesmaid, got wind of my emotions and stepped totally outta bounds and made a rude comment to me saying she hoped I didn't ruin the wedding by being sad and that I needed to "get over it". I have never liked this girl in the first place. I already had an opinion of her formed based on her behavior. She's just not a good person. I'm sorry to say. Well, no I'm not. I don't care. It makes me sad that anyone can be friends with this person after she said such a cold, heartless thing to me. It KILLS me that anyone can like her, smile at her, hang out with her, knowing that she told someone who had just lost a baby, two babies at that, to "get over it". Unreal.

Which brings me back to my original thought. Forgiving. I guess I watch too much Dr. Phil. Not that I'm ashamed of that, I think the man is brilliant. The other day he had someone on there who was trying to move on with their life but had this nagging attachment to someone who had done them wrong. Kinda like my situation. Dr. Phil said that holding grudges changes who you are as a person. He says holding resentment against someone who has done you wrong eats away at the heart and soul of the person who carries it. It changes who you are as a mother, a wife and a friend. Ugly emotions change who you are and contaminate every relationship you have.

Forgiveness is not about another person who has transgressed against you; it is about you. Forgiveness is about doing whatever it takes to preserve the power to create your own emotional state. It is a gift to yourself and it frees you. You don't have to have the other person's cooperation, and they do not have to be sorry or admit the error of their ways. There is power in forgiveness.

Forgiveness sets you free from the bonds of hatred, anger and resentment. The only way to rise above the negatives of a relationship in which you were hurt is to take the moral high ground, and forgive the person who hurt you.

It's true. For almost 2 years I have let this person control me. I hate saying that word. It's like every time I think about the beauty of my best friend's wedding I think about her and how much of a mean person she is and boom. There she has me again.

So I'm taking my power back. I am forgiving her. As hard and unfair as it seems to do, I'm doing it because she does not deserve to have any attachments to me and my life. I believe in karma and I believe there is a higher power that should handle her unloving heart and not me. I believe I am a good person who had the horrible experiences of losing two babies and I do not deserve to have any more burden surrounding their deaths put upon me.

I'm sorry for the people who do let her in their lives because I truly believe anyone who tells a dead babies' mother to get over their own child's death really doesn't know how to love and empathize. I hope nothing ever happens to her children and she knows the real loss of a child. I'm making the choice to forgive. Forgiveness isn't just something that washes over someone's body. It has to be a choice. I know I will never get an apology from her. She's not that kind of person. I don't need her cooperation in this. I have the power now. I'm not only doing this for myself. I'm doing it for Olivia.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Wordless Wednesday

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Redhawks and Roller Derby

Friday night we went to the Redhawks baseball game. We were really excited because the weather was only supposed to be about 68 degrees and usually when we go to baseball games it is sooo HOT! It was the perfect night for a baseball game!

It wasn't long before the wind picked up a little and it started getting pretty chilly.

We decided to move down into some empty seats closer to the field so we would be blocked from the wind. Good idea because it felt much better down lower. Betsy had lots of fun, especially after she got a watermelon Ring Pop.

On our way home we asked her what she liked so much about the Redhawks game. Her reply, "the guys". Haha!

Saturday we spent a relaxing morning at home. Tony and I cleaned the house and then Tony mowed. It was another beautiful day out and I was relieved to get the housework done and over with. Saturday evening we went to the Victory Dolls Roller Derby game. I have always, always wanted to go to one of these games and it was so much fun! We of course didn't stay for the entire thing because Betsy was getting bored but I can't wait to get to go back.

During half-time they let the little kids come out on the floor and dance. Of course Betsy took full advantage of that!

Friday, May 13, 2011

Ruin my night

I had a wonderful day today. Tony was off all day and we got to spend the entire day together and then took Betsy to the Redhawks baseball game this evening. We had fun. Came home, put Betsy to bed and now we are watching the Thunder game on TV. I am literally sitting here trying to blog about something totally different when Tony flips the channel to the news. They are featuring this story about a couple who had tried for 9 years to get pregnant. They finally got pregnant and when they went in for an ultrasound it guessed it..triplets.

So then they talked about how the mother's water broke at 20 weeks (mine broke at 22) and she went on to deliver the babies (not at 20 weeks but not quite to 24. I missed how many weeks she was). Now who did they talk to on the news? Our fertility doctor, Dr Kallenberger, who talked about how the babies basically had no chance of survival. The mom went in for an emergency C-section and after delivery of the second triplet, the baby started to cry. They knew there was hope. The father went into the NICU and couldn't believe that he had three babies in three incubators. They didn't expect them to survive so it was amazing to see them in their beds.

So now the news are talking to Dr. Cho, also one of our NICU doctors, and he also talked about how the babies had a very slim chance of survival. All three babies weighed a little over a pound. Already I am starting to cry, just hearing the same doctors that we had talk the same talk we had had.

Then, of course, enter Dr. Scott, the pediatric eye doctor. Yep, we use him also and he saw Miss Betsy in the NICU as well. Dr. Scott went on say the triplets had the worst possible eye diagnosis EVER. They had a 95% chance of being blind. They decided to try some experimental medicine on the babies and less than 24 hours later they were cured. The disease was completely gone.

100 days later, five days after their due date, the triplets went home perfectly doubt miracles.

So I hate to say that this little news segment "ruined my night" but both me and Tony were sitting here saying that it made us really sad. And I do want to say that I am INCREDIBLY happy for this family. It's not like I wished their babies had died, no way. I know the pain and I know the hardships of infertility. I know how scary it is to deliver severely premature triplets. I am amazed at those three babies and I hope and pray they continue to grow and thrive. The only reason I say it ruined my night is because immediately my heart was heavy again. It hasn't felt that way in a while but hearing that story really made me sad. Click here to read the story.

I just think, WHY? I know, the infamous question. But why couldn't all three of my girls be miracles? Why couldn't we be watching this story and wanting to reach out to this family because we also had premature triplets that survived? I just don't understand circumstances sometimes and it KILLS me that we can't be the ones who have a happy story. Well, I know we have an INCREDIBLY happy story with Betsy. And please don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change her for the WORLD! But why can't all my girls be here? Obviously it's possible.

I know God has the answers. I know it doesn't matter if I know or not because I could never, never understand God's plan. I just wish sometimes we could be the "one in a million". I wish every day of my life, with every fiber of my being, that we had our girls with us here. I pray for this family because I want them to be happy and I want those babies to stay healthy. But I also pray for healing of my broken heart. My wounds were reopened tonight and my arms are aching for MY triplets.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Wordless Wednesday

Monday, May 9, 2011

March for Babies 2011

If you remember a few months ago I posted here about our 2011 March of Dimes March for Babies. We are, of course, Team Betsy. I can't tell you how much I LOVE doing this. Not only do we raise lots of money for March of Dimes but it is a day that is really all about Betsy and celebrating how much of a miracle she truly is and also a chance to honor Grace and Olivia. I love seeing the turnout we get every year and it amazes me each year how many people come out to walk with us. I will post our team pics over the years at the end of this blog.

Team Betsy's goal this year was to try to raise $4000. In 2010, we raised a little over $2000 so I really challenged my team this year to see if we could double that goal. I couldn't believe we actually tripled it. Amazing!

My dad's bank, Quail Creek Bank, has always been a huge supporter of Team Betsy but this year they really went above and beyond. Some of the ladies in the bank decided to have a cook-off challenge to raise money for Team Betsy. Each day of the week, different departments cooked a variety of goodies and sold them to other employees in the bank. Over the course of 4 days, they raised over $3000!!! They had also had a blue jeans for Betsy day where they paid to wear jeans one day. They also donated $5 for every "like" they got from their facebook page. The bank in total brought in almost $5000 for Team Betsy. I was moved to tears and totally moved by their generosity and kindness. What a great group of people.

Quail Creek Bank walkers with my dad

This was also our 3rd year in a row to win Best T-shirt contest. We have won every year that we have participated in March for Babies!! This is always a real honor for us! Our shirts this year were themed "Superheroes for Babies". The backs are always the same and say "Remembering Betsy's triplet sisters, Grace and Olivia". Here we are in our shirts

I was also awarded Most Outstanding Team Captain 2011. I was so surprised and totally touched to have received it. It meant more to me that anything ever!

With our two awards

Me and my girl just before the walk

Here is Betsy dancing like she did allll morning long. She had sooo much fun. I can't wait for her to realize this is all about her and her sweet sisters.

My brother, mom, me, Betsy and Tony.

One of my favorite pictures. Betsy with my brother, her Uncle Na-Na.

This is Team Betsy from the beginning. Look at how our team has grown!!

Team Betsy 2009

Team Betsy 2010

Team Betsy 2011

Friday, May 6, 2011

Flashback Friday

Because the last time I did this is was so much fun...

Betsy at her very first Thunder game. Little did we know how much she would grow to LOOOVE the OKC Thunder. She's just a few days shy of 18 months in this picture. Look at those cheeks! Seriously, she is totally smoochable 24/7.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Hop Hop Hoppy Easter!

Well I know Easter was technically 2 weeks ago, and I know today is supposed to be a Wordless Wednesday post, BUT, I am just now getting a chance to plop on my booty and upload all my pics and take a moment to blog. So, I have to catch up on my Easter weekend!

We took Betsy to see the Easter Bunny, which she is always super excited to do.
Here she is telling him all about how good she has been.

And here is the official Easter Bunny pic.

Over Easter weekend we went to my grandparents as usual. The whole family came for lunch and to hunt Easter eggs. We always have fun together and now that our kids are getting a little older and actually remember that they are cousins they seem to really enjoy the times they get together. I love it because its more memories being made.

Betsy and her cousins getting ready to hunt Easter eggs at Ma and Pa's. (missing are Callie and Laramie who were finishing up their ballgames. BOO for Easter weekend games!)

Let the hunt begin!!!

After all the kids had been satisfied with the number of eggs they found they got to take turns hitting a pinata!!

Betsy and Allie-two peas in a pod.

Betsy enjoying her #?? sucker.

Our most gracious hosts, my two favorite people in life, Ma and Pa. How sweet are they?

Finding her Easter basket on Easter morning. I hope she wasn't disappointed. When I asked her what she wanted the Easter Bunny to leave her for a surprise in her basket she replied, "shampoo". Sorry B, no shampoo.

So getting ready for church, as soon as I stepped out of the shower, the electricity went out. No kidding. I have a hair full of wet hair and no makeup. We waited and waited until the last minute to get ready in hopes that it would come back on. Eventually we had to manage to get ready for church anyway. I went with crinkly hair and all. No blow dryer and *GASP* no flat iron!! I was totally embarrased but figured Betsy looked so cute in her dress that no one would pay any attention to me. Hehe. I was mostly right.

Here is Uncle Na-Na carrying Betsy to the car on our way to church.

I got the best pics of her that I could in her dress. It was kinda chilly outside and I was trying to hurry and get her in the car. This is the best I got. She looked like an angel.

Here we are outside Ma and Pa's house after church. EEEEEEKKKKK on my hair!

Hope everyone had a very happy..errrr..hoppy Easter!