Thursday, November 18, 2010


Sometimes I wake up from a dream and it will be a dream so good that I will try to make myself fall back asleep just to keep dreaming. It makes me wonder where exactly my thoughts come from. I have always believed that dreams are just insight into your unconscious thoughts. Doesn't explain the nightmares or bad dreams that I sometimes have, although it's been quite a while since I've experienced one of those. I did a report in college about dreams. During that time I researched every dream out there, the experiences we sometimes have as we are sleeping, such as falling, or being chased by something that really freaks us out. I don't think I delved into the dreams we have after we we actually experience something, and how those "somethings" seem to follow us, or not follow us, around in our dreams.

When I was pregnant I dreamt about the babies all the time. Except I didn't have all three babies. Sometimes I would have just one baby and sometimes two. I remember having a conversation with my best friend about how I couldn't picture myself with three babies and that deep down I honestly didn't think I would be having three babies. It was as though I KNEW something...that my mind was telling me something that I had no way of really truly knowing. Was that even possible? Why would I dream of only having one or two babies? Later in the pregnancy I finally had a triplet dream. I had all three babies. This dream only came once though.

After I lost the girls I've only dreamt of them a handful of times. It absolutely drives me crazy that I think about them all the time but can't, no matter what I do, make myself see them in my dreams every single night. Why? You would think that would be the place where my unconscious mind goes into overdrive and all I do is dream of my babies. I miss them so much, why can't they come to me?

Maybe I'm blocking it without being aware. Blocking the pain of my babies really being gone. Maybe my mind is full of so many other thoughts that the dreams of the girls won't come through. Maybe that doesn't even make sense. I have dreams with Betsy. It's like my mind is not letting me enjoy all three of my girls anymore. It's beyond bizarre to me and probably will never be an explanation. I just want to see them again.

The past week or so I have dreamt of my cousin Lance. He's there in every single one of my dreams even if he is just in passing. Even if I barely see his face as he runs past me, he is there. I can't seem to shake this feeling that he is really gone. I finally quit replaying the phone call over and over like I had been doing every night. I had to make myself quit doing that. I still close my eyes thinking about him though. His wedding was coming up, supposed to be this Saturday, so of course I had a wedding dream. It was his wedding but he was not there, we had already buried him but we were still having a wedding. I saw him, but I knew he was gone.

So maybe dreams aren't supposed to really MEAN anything. I sometimes think I read into them too much and just expect them to give me answers. The truth is, when I close my eyes and fall asleep my mind must have it's own little teaparty in there. It amazes me the things I see and do when I am totally unaware. I can't make my girls come back and maybe that is why they quit coming to me in my dreams. I have to learn to deal with the death of my cousin whether I really want to believe it or not so maybe that is why he shows up so much.

I guess I finally feel at peace with my daughters being gone and even though it still hurts so much, maybe my mind has already placed them in my heart. I see them in there every day.


Helping All Little Ones said...

I had some crazy dreams before Ella was born and then even stranger dreams after she was born. I would always dream about a stone out in a field with her name on it. I only had these dreams while she was in the hospital and then after she died they stopped. Funny thing is, her grave is out in a cemetery field and her name is on a gray stone....sort of like my dream!

Daysha said...

I'm so happy to have found your blog. You're a wonderful momma to all 3. I look forward to reading more.