Thursday, January 3, 2013

Stop Growing Up, PLEASE

It seems like time is literally flying. I remember when Betsy was a little baby someone stopped us outside a restaurant to look at her and commented on how fast they grow and to enjoy every single moment. I feel like I do that but then I turn around and she's grown so much more. I swear I wish I could bottle her laugh and keep it forever. I wish I could keep her innocent, take away her fears and anxieties and never let anything ever hurt her. I wish she would never know pain and never have a stress in the world. I wish that every single time she looked at me she would know I would do anything in the entire world for her. I hope she never doubts my love for her and I pray that she can talk to me about anything. May there never be a time where she won't need me. I love this little girl more than life itself and I thank the Lord for sparing this precious miracle and giving me the little girl I have always wanted.

There were times when I was pregnant with the triplets that I imagined how all three of them would play together. I wholeheartedly wish Betsy knew what it was like to play with a sibling. I hope that she doesn't hold that against us one day and wonder why we never had a brother or sister for her to play with. I strongly believe that she will understand and that in due time she will know that the decision her mommy and daddy made not to have any more children (even if we could conceive naturally) was probably in the best interest. The thought of losing another baby is too much to deal with and although I hope she never feels that pain, I do hope she understands.

In this year of 2013, she will start Pre-K. To say I have anxiety about this is the hugest understatement. I have been dreading that moment since she was two years old. She is MY baby and the thought of sending her off to school scares the bejeezus out of me. I may be a slightly paranoid overprotective extra caring parent but I worry so much about her and I think the thought of sending her to school scares me because it means I am not in control. What if she doesn't have any friends? What if she is teased? What is the teacher is mean to her? What if she falls and gets hurt? And my utmost fear-what if she is kidnapped? I know I sound crazy but seriously folks, I literally shake with anxiety of sending her to school. She is just so little, so young, so...MINE.

I have so many hopes and dreams for her future. I pray every single night that I am doing things right and that I am a good mother because there are days I have my doubts. Is that normal? I only have one shot at this and I want to make sure it's perfect. I want her to have everything she wants in life and I hope I'm steering her in the right direction. Yes we spoil her. She is our one and only and in my opinion I don't think a child can be spoiled as long as it's done properly.

As I sit here and type this and listen to her over the monitor sleeping so soundly, I can't help but think about how our lives would be so different in we had all three girls. I can only imagine the chaos and the fun we would have. But as I wonder how things would be so different with Grace, Betsy and Olivia, I also reflect on how things are right now. I wish with every ounce of my being that I had all my girls here every second of every day. But I also am thankful for having the opportunity to just have a child at all. A child that I can't believe is 4 years old.

Betsy Linn, you are the absolute light of my life. No one could love you more.