Monday, October 4, 2010

Getting Easier, Still Hurts

Today marks the 2-year anniversary of Olivia's death. I remember after we lost the girls I would sometimes ask other babylost mothers, "Does it EVER get easier?". I hurt so bad that I couldn't imagine any less pain than I felt. Some of them told me, yes, it does get easier but you will always feel the hurt. So here it is, a mere two years later, and it still hurts just as bad as the day it happened. Yes, it is easier to deal with. I don't have the tears to cry every single day, although some days I remember better than others and a few tears will fall. My heart aches every single day for this baby girl, every day I think of her and every day I miss her. It's something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. It's my "new normal" and I have found that I have adjusted quite well. I have never forgotten. I still remember the phone call that day and I still remember every detail of that sad day. I have learned to pick up the pieces and be strong. I have learned to focus all my time and energy into my living miracle, Betsy. All the hurt and sadness I feel I have learned to turn into overwhelming love. Olivia's clothes we put her in to take pictures still smell of her. I have kept them tightly sealed in a bag to try to preserve that smell forever. I know it will eventually fade, much like my anger and sadness. But the memory will last forever. My hurt will last forever. Yes, it is getting much easier to deal with the fact that she is forever gone. But my heart still hurts for her.

The Cord

We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't been seen
By any on Earth.

This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!

~ author unknown ~


natesmimi said...

Praying for you today. I know you don't really know me, but I remember those hushed days in the NICI. The uncertainty of what the day would bring. I have a picture of Nathaniel dated October 2 on my desk at work. He was so tiny and fragile. I remember knowing that your baby had gone to heaven and asking the Lord to help you. Through it all it is a blessing to know that God is always faithful and good. Love, Nathaniel Inman's Mimi

Nicki said...

I appreciate the last stanza, being thankful for the love and connection even though it brings so much pain. Your life would be so different if Olivia never existed but there is beauty in the world for her being in it.