Thursday, July 1, 2010

Our Decision

It has been 22 months now since my girls were born. There are days when it seems like it was just yesterday and days where it really feels like a long time ago. Even so, the memory is so very vivid in my mind and in my heart. There is not one day that goes by and I don't think about my babies and what could have been.

Here goes...even though I am ashamed to admit it, there have been times I tell complete strangers that I have triplets. I wonder why I do this. It's people I know (or at least hope) I will never see again. One time I was at the casino with a friend and while we were separated I struck up a conversation with a lady next to me. Somehow I found a way to work into the conversation that I have triplets. Maybe it's the reaction I get from people that I enjoy so much. People are so thrilled to hear that. I absolutely love the comments I get from's what I so longed to hear when I was pregnant. I couldn't wait to see/hear people's reactions. I justify this by saying that "technically" I am not lying to these people. I DO have triplets. Just not all with me. Do they really need to know that two of them aren't alive? I don't think so. It makes me feel good. It makes me feel like they ARE alive. One time I told the lady at the grocery store. One time it was the lady who was doing my pedicure. I haven't ever told anyone that. Although it's embarrassing to admit, I can't help it. I wonder why I couldn't just tell people about my living miracle, Betsy? It would be just as an amazing story and people would still be moved. I just like saying it I guess. Dont worry, it's not a habit. I don't seek out to say these things and I haven't actually done it in a while. And it's not like I need help for it or anything. For pete's sake, I'm a grieving mother trying to find a way to make my babies seem alive. No harm, no foul. It's just tough...

So this brings me to my next subject. More babies. I have had people politely inquire if Tony and I will ever have children again. Now that Betsy is approaching 2 years old, I guess that is the universal age that people want to start having more children, people are beginning to wonder. Well, the answer to that question is No. We will not have any more children. We actually made the decision immediately after we lost Olivia. I wanted to have my tubes tied the next day. We followed the advice of some family members and waited a year. Just in case we were in a state of grief and letting our emotions talk first. We thought if we waited a year and if we still felt the same way then we could talk about permanent sterilization. We waited a year and nothing changed. We kept putting it off just so we wouldn't make a hasty decision and regret it. We still feel the same. Betsy will be our one and only. Both Tony and I are 32 years old. I don't even know if I COULD get pregnant. And if it took another 3 years that will put us at 35-36 years old. I know I will never do fertility treatments again. It was just too expensive and too physically draining. I couldn't go through it again. Ever. And IF I did get pregnant, who is to say I would carry my baby to term? Even getting a cerclage can't guarantee I won't go into preterm labor. And if I lost another baby? I just can't. I can't even begin to explain how I would feel. I think I would be an emotional wreck my entire pregnancy. I would worry all the time. I seriously don't think I could enjoy it. And I hate to say that. For someone who loved being pregnant with the triplets, felt great and had an easy pregnancy, it's sad to say I don't think I would enjoy another pregnancy. I would compare everything to being pregnant with the triplets and it would just be too much. And I can't help shake the feeling that if God intended for me to have more than one baby, I would have Grace and Olivia.

So there is our decision. No one has to ask us about it. No one has to try to change our mind. That's it. I am absolutely fulfilled by being a mother to Betsy. I tried for 3 years to have a baby. I'm getting to experience everything I ever wanted and I couldn't be happier. Plus, I don't want to share any of my love with anyone else. I know I am being selfish but my heart is so full of love for my angels that I don't want to take one iota from them to give to anyone else. I'm sorry. The only babies I will ever have are already here. Two have already been taken from me. It just doesn't seem fair.


Tiffany said...

You should never be ashamed to admit that you have 3 beautiful daughters. Two are with you in spirit, one is still flesh and blood. It doesn't change the fact that they existed.

Nicki said...

Laci, I appreciate your thoughts on having other children and I feel closer to you for sharing. I understand everything you said about the potential difficulties with future pregnancies or losses. You have a HUGE heart and it is touching to see you give your heart to Betsy and Toni.