Thursday, January 28, 2010


So today is the 28th of the month. It is the day that brings two very strong emotions out in me. Betsy is 17 months old today. Grace has been gone 17 months. Olivia would have been 17 months. I rejoice because I think about how far Betsy has come. It still amazes me every day and every time she does something new. I wonder what Grace and Olivia would be like. I imagine it. When Grace was born she had so much dark hair. So naturally I picture her to be this tiny beauty with the most beautiful locks in the world. I picture Olivia to be the spitting image of Betsy (they looked very similar) only a little chunky. (I always wanted a fat baby named Olivia).

So that is how I go through life. "Imagining" what my children would look like. "Imagining" what they would sound like and "imaganing" how they would play. Kinda sad really. To never know what my own babies would be like. I can't dwell on it though. I have this amazing little princess who helps me hold it together and boy, oh boy, is she a wonder. Still, every day as I watch her play, I can't help but imagine how it would be with all three of them.

I can't believe it's been 17 months. So close to being two years. Sometimes it seems like it's been that long, but mostly just seems like yesterday. I've heard the saying "Time heals all wounds" but when you lose a child does this really apply? I cannot imagine my wounds EVER being healed. Someone once told me after the year mark things seem to get a little easier. Yes, that was somewhat true. Every month builds up to that one year anniversary that all parents must dread. But then time just keeps on ticking. And I find myself every month thinking, 'Well, it must get easier next month'. It never does.

It's not like I am wanting Grace and Olivia's memory to fade, that is far from the truth. But I do wish I could get to a point that I could talk about them or even think about them without crying buckets. Yet, it breaks my heart when NO ONE talks about them but at the same time I think, 'Please don't bring it up, I can't handle it". But please don't get me wrong, I LOVE talking about my girls. It is just so hard.

Betsy is my rock. She literally keeps me on the ground. She has so much of her sisters in her and it's very easy for me to imagine Grace and Olivia because I know they would have a little of her in them. So I just imagine what they are doing up in Heaven. I imagine them together, playing, and hopefully they can see their sweet little sister and be so proud of her. I miss them so much.

Next month it will get easier...