Thursday, December 30, 2010

What the Years Have Meant

There are days I find myself daydreaming about when Betsy was born. I remember how extremely tiny and fragile she was and all I could do was hope and pray she would survive. I wouldn't count her life in days and months but in minutes and hours. One more hour. Yes. She made it another hour. And so on and so on. After Olivia died I quit counting the days, at this point she was 37 days, and I started to turn to months. Something in my head just clicked and I knew Betsy HAD to survive. We sat vigil by her bed in the NICU day in and day out. We watched her have good days and really bad days. Eventually we started to shed the bubble we were trying to place around ourselves and faced things in a new light. It was as though a door had opened and a light bulb came on in our heads. It took almost two months for us to register and digest every single thing we had faced and try to deal with it. I journaled every single night when we got home from the NICU and there were days I didn't remember things happening until I went home and read about it. We lived in a fog and our bodies were on auto-pilot. I remember talking to other NICU mommies and some of the nurses who would always say, "By the time she's two you won't even be able to tell she was a preemie!" Ha! We thought that was the most hysterical thing. Seriously?!? This little 1 lb 9 oz baby would grow up and be a normal toddler????

I would have never in a million years imagined those words could ring more true. It now seems so long ago that she was that tiny fragile little baby and I look at her now and sometimes I even forgot she was so small. Crazy how that works. The past two years I really look upon in amazement. This. Is. Not. How. It. Was. Supposed. To. Be.

I always like the saying about How do you make God laugh? You tell him your plans. I mean that could not be more true in my life. Yes. This is exactly how it was supposed to be. Exactly how God intended it to be.

Ever since I gave birth to my babies and ever since Betsy came home, the years seem to be more cherished. I used to give a rat's patootie about some things and pretty much lived a carefree live. I would say that would not be the case anymore. I definetely have learned how precious life really is and how quick life can be taken away. Betsy defied all odds with her birth. She truly is a gift from God and I cherish every minute, hour, day, month and YEAR she is here. Over the past two years she has taught me more about myself than any self-help, Dr. Phil book ever could. She will never know the impact she has had on me and her daddy's life and how very much she helped us. My dream for her in the years to come is that she continue to flourish and blossom just the way she has. I know that God has a very special plan for our special little lady. I try so hard to have the strength, the will, the DRIVE that she had when she was only the size of my hand. It sounds so crazy to say but I want to be just like her. She's beautiful and smart and so determined. My life will never be the same now that she's here and I know that is so cliche, but Lord have Mercy....walk a minute, just one minute in my shoes and see if she doesn't brighten your lives. Betsy my love, you are going to be somebody someday and if you bring just as much joy and love as you have these past two years....look out world!


Jackie said...

Very nice, you always write so well!