August

Ah yes, it is upon us once again. Its my favorite and my least favorite month all rolled into one. It's August. Betsy will be turning 3 this month, which is amazing all in itself. This month is the same month that "everything happened". On August 13th it will mark the anniversary of when we got the news about Grace and I was admitted to labor and delivery on complete hospital bedrest. Three years ago. We found out the sexes of our triplets and then immediately prepared to lose at least one, maybe all of them. We didn't know. It's August. The anniversary of Grace's delivery where we said hello and goodbye all in the same breath. I endured a traumatic delivery with Betsy and Olivia and watched my one pound babies be whisked out of the room with a mere 30% chance of survival. It's the crazy month of August where I feel the need to relive every detail of the last moments of my triplet pregnancy.

So much has changed in three years. I don't question "Will I ever get better" because I am better. I don't ask "When will I heal" because I have just accepted that my heart will always remain broken. I don't cry as often and as sad as it is to say, they don't cross my mind every single day. I don't picture what Grace and Olivia would look like anymore. It was easy when Betsy was a baby and since they were babies when they died it was easier to imagine what they would look like and be like. I know Grace would probably have dark hair still and I know Olivia would be my princess. No, I don't know this, this is just what I always wanted so it's what I have decided in my mind that my babies would be like. I just simply remember them as tiny babies and it's too hard to picture them as almost 3 year old girls. As much as I want to, my mind doesn't let them grow up.

I need to start talking about them with Betsy. She is so smart and she really understands things so I want her to know about her sisters but I can't find the right words to tell her. She isn't going to understand death so I don't know how to explain where they are. I'm working on it and I'm trying to put it in a story for her. It's so hard because everytime I mention their names I start crying. It's hard to say their names in front of Betsy and I guess it's just because they are so much a part of her.

One thing hasn't changed in three years. I still miss them as though it was the day they died. I wish with every fiber of my being that they were here and I miss how my life would be different. I still long for the mini-van, the multiples clubs, the stares and disbeliefs of strangers, the constant whirlwind I would be in at home and how I especially long for my three little girls going to dance class together. I want the bumper sticker that says, "You can't scare me...I have triplets!". All of these thoughts aren't as prominent as they were two years ago, but they occasionally cross my mind. I still look at their pictures just as much as I always have and even though it's been a while, I still get Olivia's belongings out of her box and thumb through the things that were hers. I don't open the heavy white sack from Integris Hospital that says "OLIVIA" on the outside. I know the contents inside are her blanket and outfit she died in (we got to dress her after she came off all her machines). I don't open the sack because I don't want the smell to go away. It's just the distinct smell of that NICU room but it's Olivia's smell and it's all I have left.

The most important thing I have left from that memorable month of August is my angel, Betsy. She is the light of my life and I thank the Lord for her every single day. I can't believe I have been so blessed with her and that she is so healthy. She's such a big girl now and it's unbelievable to remember she was only 1 lb 9 oz. She was born and the heavens sang, I have no doubt about that. The only thing I hope for at this point is that her sisters know her and they know that she would have loved them so much. I hope they feel our love from up above.