Forgiving

I have always been a person who holds grudges. I know it's really bad and I try to let things roll off my shoulders but it's tough for me. I am a pretty sensitive person and sometimes, well most of the time, takes everything personally. I always have believed if someone burns you once they will burn you again. I believe that the best predictor for future behavior is past behavior and if you are hateful and disrepectful to me once, you will always be that way. Maybe that isn't entirely true all the time but it's a philosophy I live by. Well I'm thinking it's time to let go of a grudge I have been holding for almost two years.

I won't go into all the details of it. I'm sure most of my close friends and family have heard the story and I'm not going to rehash all the details of it here as I honestly don't feel this person is worth dwelling over too long. In a nutshell my best friend was married almost two years ago...the same weekend as the 1-year anniversary of Olivia's death. Now for all my babylost friends (or those of you who at least have a heart) know that the 1-year anniversary is the WORST! Everything during the past few months have been leading up to this moment. The 1-year anniversary of the moment by baby girl took her last breath.

I had talked to my best friend about how I was feeling and OF COURSE she understood. She knew that even though I was so incredibly happy for her and excited for this next chapter of her life, my heart would still be hurting. The first thing on my mind would be my sweet angel Olivia and how much I missed her and longed for her on this, her anniverary. I was honored and thrilled to stand next to my best friend on her wedding day as her maid of honor. She even made my bouquet special by adding tiny sprigs of baby's breath in memory of Olivia. She understood my heart was heavy.

One of her other friends, who happened to be a bridesmaid, got wind of my emotions and stepped totally outta bounds and made a rude comment to me saying she hoped I didn't ruin the wedding by being sad and that I needed to "get over it". I have never liked this girl in the first place. I already had an opinion of her formed based on her behavior. She's just not a good person. I'm sorry to say. Well, no I'm not. I don't care. It makes me sad that anyone can be friends with this person after she said such a cold, heartless thing to me. It KILLS me that anyone can like her, smile at her, hang out with her, knowing that she told someone who had just lost a baby, two babies at that, to "get over it". Unreal.

Which brings me back to my original thought. Forgiving. I guess I watch too much Dr. Phil. Not that I'm ashamed of that, I think the man is brilliant. The other day he had someone on there who was trying to move on with their life but had this nagging attachment to someone who had done them wrong. Kinda like my situation. Dr. Phil said that holding grudges changes who you are as a person. He says holding resentment against someone who has done you wrong eats away at the heart and soul of the person who carries it. It changes who you are as a mother, a wife and a friend. Ugly emotions change who you are and contaminate every relationship you have.

Forgiveness is not about another person who has transgressed against you; it is about you. Forgiveness is about doing whatever it takes to preserve the power to create your own emotional state. It is a gift to yourself and it frees you. You don't have to have the other person's cooperation, and they do not have to be sorry or admit the error of their ways. There is power in forgiveness.

Forgiveness sets you free from the bonds of hatred, anger and resentment. The only way to rise above the negatives of a relationship in which you were hurt is to take the moral high ground, and forgive the person who hurt you.

It's true. For almost 2 years I have let this person control me. I hate saying that word. It's like every time I think about the beauty of my best friend's wedding I think about her and how much of a mean person she is and boom. There she has me again.

So I'm taking my power back. I am forgiving her. As hard and unfair as it seems to do, I'm doing it because she does not deserve to have any attachments to me and my life. I believe in karma and I believe there is a higher power that should handle her unloving heart and not me. I believe I am a good person who had the horrible experiences of losing two babies and I do not deserve to have any more burden surrounding their deaths put upon me.

I'm sorry for the people who do let her in their lives because I truly believe anyone who tells a dead babies' mother to get over their own child's death really doesn't know how to love and empathize. I hope nothing ever happens to her children and she knows the real loss of a child. I'm making the choice to forgive. Forgiveness isn't just something that washes over someone's body. It has to be a choice. I know I will never get an apology from her. She's not that kind of person. I don't need her cooperation in this. I have the power now. I'm not only doing this for myself. I'm doing it for Olivia.