Dreams

Sometimes I wake up from a dream and it will be a dream so good that I will try to make myself fall back asleep just to keep dreaming. It makes me wonder where exactly my thoughts come from. I have always believed that dreams are just insight into your unconscious thoughts. Doesn't explain the nightmares or bad dreams that I sometimes have, although it's been quite a while since I've experienced one of those. I did a report in college about dreams. During that time I researched every dream out there, the experiences we sometimes have as we are sleeping, such as falling, or being chased by something that really freaks us out. I don't think I delved into the dreams we have after we we actually experience something, and how those "somethings" seem to follow us, or not follow us, around in our dreams.

When I was pregnant I dreamt about the babies all the time. Except I didn't have all three babies. Sometimes I would have just one baby and sometimes two. I remember having a conversation with my best friend about how I couldn't picture myself with three babies and that deep down I honestly didn't think I would be having three babies. It was as though I KNEW something...that my mind was telling me something that I had no way of really truly knowing. Was that even possible? Why would I dream of only having one or two babies? Later in the pregnancy I finally had a triplet dream. I had all three babies. This dream only came once though.

After I lost the girls I've only dreamt of them a handful of times. It absolutely drives me crazy that I think about them all the time but can't, no matter what I do, make myself see them in my dreams every single night. Why? You would think that would be the place where my unconscious mind goes into overdrive and all I do is dream of my babies. I miss them so much, why can't they come to me?

Maybe I'm blocking it without being aware. Blocking the pain of my babies really being gone. Maybe my mind is full of so many other thoughts that the dreams of the girls won't come through. Maybe that doesn't even make sense. I have dreams with Betsy. It's like my mind is not letting me enjoy all three of my girls anymore. It's beyond bizarre to me and probably will never be an explanation. I just want to see them again.

The past week or so I have dreamt of my cousin Lance. He's there in every single one of my dreams even if he is just in passing. Even if I barely see his face as he runs past me, he is there. I can't seem to shake this feeling that he is really gone. I finally quit replaying the phone call over and over like I had been doing every night. I had to make myself quit doing that. I still close my eyes thinking about him though. His wedding was coming up, supposed to be this Saturday, so of course I had a wedding dream. It was his wedding but he was not there, we had already buried him but we were still having a wedding. I saw him, but I knew he was gone.

So maybe dreams aren't supposed to really MEAN anything. I sometimes think I read into them too much and just expect them to give me answers. The truth is, when I close my eyes and fall asleep my mind must have it's own little teaparty in there. It amazes me the things I see and do when I am totally unaware. I can't make my girls come back and maybe that is why they quit coming to me in my dreams. I have to learn to deal with the death of my cousin whether I really want to believe it or not so maybe that is why he shows up so much.

I guess I finally feel at peace with my daughters being gone and even though it still hurts so much, maybe my mind has already placed them in my heart. I see them in there every day.

There I Am...

Last week I submitted my name, picture and story to be on a website called Faces of Loss. I had only found this website a few months ago through another babylost mom and had really wanted to submit my story. It's basically a place where other babylost mommies can go to share their story and to meet others who have faced the same grief. It's showing your face to let everyone know you have suffered infant loss. I thought what an excellent way to bring others to my blog and to learn about my girls. I finally got around to e-mailing them and asking for my story to be put on their page. This morning, it was there.

I have to admit that my heart sunk a little when I saw my picture with the words, "I am the face of multiple losses" under it. I mean, of course I expected it to be on the site within a few days but when I really saw it then it hit me. Hard. I AM a face of loss. There are so, so many women out there who have lost their babies. I am one of them. I am a statistic. That sucks. It sucks that I had to find this website and it sucks that my face is on there. It sucks that other people have to read my story just to meet my babies.

However, I am thrilled..for lack of a better word...to get a chance to meet other babylost mothers. I think that we all share an unspoken bond that can never be broken. We have suffered the greatest of loss, our own children, and although that is something that is so traumatic and so heartbreaking, it is nice to have other people to talk to who have experienced the exact same pain. Just browsing other stories I found so many ladies who I can connect with who I don't even know. It's people I feel totally "safe" talking to about Grace and Olivia. If you are new to my blog please click the link to the side of my blog "To Start at the Beginning" and read about my babies. Thank you.

Here is the link with my story. You may have to scroll down until you find me.

Faces of Loss: Faces of Hope

Missing

Dear Girls,

I just want you to know I have really been missing you lately. I hope it doesn't seem as though I have forgotten you. I know it seems like it sometimes with our lives being so busy around this house, but please know you both are ALWAYS on my mind. It's been a while since I really just sat down and looked through your pictures. I used to do it all the time. Please know I don't have to look at your pictures to really truly remember you. Your beautiful faces are etched in my memory like stone. We have been enjoying Betsy so much and really having such a great time watching her grow. I watch her and every single day I wonder what my triplets would be like. I wonder if you girls would all be friends and if you would look alike. The days are becoming a little easier but it's not because I don't miss you so much. Its just because I have your sweet sister to focus on and to remind me every single day how precious life is and I picture you both in her. So it's like I see you all the time in her. She is such a delight. I know you both are so proud of her.

I hope you have got to see my cousin Lance. He is such a handsome guy I think you would recognize him right off. I miss him so much too and I just know he has already got to give you girls a hug just like I asked him to do. Remind him just how much I miss him and love him very much.

My heart aches for the losses this family has had. You always think it will happen to someone else. I miss you girls terribly. There are days that are harder than others. Certain songs trigger memories. Sometimes when your Daddy and I are driving in the car and we hit a bump I remember when I was pregnant and every teeny tiny bump in the road would hurt my belly so bad because it would jiggle you girls around so much and you would bounce off each other. There are times we go over bumps and I think I can still feel you all bumping around in my tummy. It's a feeling I miss so bad.

There will be more letters to come for your girls. As I was reading back over some of my last blog posts I realized that the entire purpose of this blog was to remember you girls and to celebrate Betsy. It has been a while since I remembered you in words so I decided I would write to you more often. I miss you and I love you both.

YOOOOOO Blogga Blogga

Alright, so first let me say that without a doubt I think that Tony and I are awesome parents. I like to think we are fun and cool and really go above and beyond for our daughter. I know that she is spoiled and because she will be our only child, who cares!? I think there is a fine line between being spoiled and being well-loved and I think our daughter is unconditionally well-loved with a little touch of spoiledness. With that being said, I will introduce you to my daughter's most favorite thing in this world, Yo Gabba Gabba. Seriously sometimes I think this girl loves them more than she loves us. I have to admit I am slightly jealous of them. She says "Gabba" when she wakes up, goes to bed and when she takes a bath. This girl is OBSESSED! I will tell you how the obsession started: When Betsy came home from the hospital she really favored her right side. Her head would always turn that way and she would rarely move her head in the other direction. We worked with her alot but when I needed to get other things done I would put her in her activity play center with the TV on her left side and try to find a show she would be interested in so it would force her to turn her head to the left. I struggled finding something she would watch, mostly I tried cartoons to no avail. Finally I found this show and BAM! she was hooked. She watched an entire episode. The next time I put in on she literally cooed, bounced and kicked she was so excited. Pretty funny! Now 2 years later she is still totally hooked and embarrasingly enough...we love the show to!

Betsy was her favorite Yo Gabba Gabba character for Halloween and everywhere we went little kids were so excited to see "Foofa"! So, as the involved parents that we are, when we heard there was going to be a Yo Gabba Gabba Live Tour we knew we HAD to go and take little Miss Betsy. So..we did. Last Friday was the concert. The closest they came was Tulsa but the 2 hour drive was totally worth it to get to see her face light up when she saw them. Tony and I, being the super cool dedicated parents we are, even made homemade T-shirts for us to wear and Betsy sported her Foofa costume.






Betsy's Lovey came with us to enjoy our good times and we were happy she was there. We HAD to listen to the Gabba CD the entire way there...no really, we HAD to..Betsy wouldn't quit screaming for it and since this was her special day we listened and sang along happily. Once we got there Betsy had money to spend! She bought two new Gabba tour t-shirts that are super awesome! She got a tour poster and a Yo Gabba Gabba light-up glow stick. She was packed with goodies! Here are some of the highlights:



Betsy dancing along




Me and Betsy dancing. They gave us DJ Lance Rock glasses and who am I not to wear them with pride?!?






I have to say we all had the time of our lives. It was so much fun to get to take her see her most favorite characters live in person. She really enjoyed the show and even danced along most of the time. It's these moments that make parenthood that much more fun. Who in a million years would have thought I would get excited to do something that is so corny! But to see the joy it brings to my little miracle made every second worthwhile. And to end the night....we of course watched Yo Gabba Gabba on DVD all the way home.

Wordless Wednesday

Social Life

Today Betsy started a Mother's Day Out program. I had been debating for a long time on whether to put her in one or not. They ended up being more expensive than what I originally thought, but not near as bad as it could have been. I have the tendency to be a little over-protective...I prefer the term "hands-on" mommy. I really don't want Betsy to be away from me and I have a hard time just leaving her with anybody. My mom, so far, has been the only person we leave Betsy with. It's just a comfort thing. I think, what can be better than her ACTUAL mommy but MY mom!?! So far, it's working for us.

So I realize that Betsy's only social life is with me. And on occasion when we go play at the mall or at the park she gets to play with other kids. She of course goes to Sunday school and she has a few friends in there. And of course she has our family and cousins that she sees when we visit them. I have been totally satisfied with this arrangement. I do, however, completely understand the importance of being WITHOUT mommy sometimes and being able to play with friends when mommy is NOT around. Plus I know how much she LOVES other children. And I'm very curious as to how this will help her in her speech development (one of the main reasons I did this).

So, we enrolled her in a Mother's Day Out program. She will just be going one day a week and today was her first day. I knew she would love it because she really enjoys being with other children. She pranced right into that room like she owned it. She walked right up to another little girl and started playing with her. I was so happy that she didn't even cry when we left and didn't cry one time while she was there. Couldn't help but feel a tad bit proud when another child came in and was throwing a huge fit when his momma tried to leave. This was NOT his first day but he still didn't want to stay. Betsy is just such a good girl!

I am not comfortable leaving her for her nap time there yet, as their nap is a different time than we have here at home and I don't think she will do well with that. I decided to pick her up 2 hours early and forgo the napping process there. I'm content bringing her home and letting her sleep for her usual naptime in the comfort of her own home. So she is only there for 3 hours. It was 3 hours I had to myself to do WHATEVER I WANTED!! And guess what? I didn't color, do play-doh, watch Dora, play house, or even rock a baby doll. NOPE! I came home and enjoyed some time to myself, caught up on some work and even got to play on the computer some! It was amazing!

I have to admit, it felt totally weird not having little girl here with me. Even my dog kept checking to see if she was here. I called to check on her...twice..and of course she was fine. They said she was fitting right in and playing really good. I cried, just a little, to know that my baby was not here with me and I couldn't see anything she was doing. BUT, she is quite the social butterfly and made lots of new friends. When I went to pick her up, she kept pointing back in her room. She wanted to go back in and play. Her teacher kept telling me how pretty she was (of course!) and how good she was. I think she will enjoy going back. She even brought home a pretty handmade fall wreath made from paper leaves and a paper plate. I just love that girl.

Here she is getting ready to leave the house. Sporting her Dora backpack and pink lunch bag.




Getting ready to go in!





Her new class and meeting her very first friend.

Three Halloweens

Just for fun I wanted to post pictures of Betsy every year thus far for Halloween.

1st Halloween, 2 months old (still in NICU), Snow White:



2nd Halloween, 14 months old, Kitty Cat:




3rd Halloween, 2 years old, Foofa:




I can't believe how much she has changed and how FAR she has come!

Halloween Weekend

We had lots of fun this Halloween. I think as Betsy gets older, everything becomes more fun because she is getting older and able to enjoy more. Here is Betsy painting her very own pumpkin.



And here is the finished product. I think she did a really good job!!



This year for Halloween she dressed as Foofa from Yo Gabba Gabba. If anyone knows Betsy you know she is obsessed with Yo Gabba Gabba! I have to say she is the cutest little Foofa I have ever seen.



This year we went to Haunt the Zoo. They have different scenes set up throughout the zoo and you walk through and get candy. It was lots of fun. Super crowded. But fun. Betsy really enjoyed herself.



We met a couple from church there. Their little boy, Jason, and Betsy are in the same Bible class and Betsy just adores Jason. Here they are together, Foofa and Tigger.



We went a few other places as well, like Quail Springs Mall to trick or treat. Lesson learned. We won't do that again. Trick or treating was from 2-4 and by 2:30, stores were running out of candy. It wasn't really worth our time to go there. We also went to our church's fall festival. We have a very small church but they really do cute activities for the children and it's all free. Overall, it was a great weekend!